Telling Your Children About Separation or Divorce
Breaking the news to your children is one of the toughest parts of separating. A lot of the research carried out on this issue shows that most children adjust well—especially when parents lower conflict, communicate clearly, and keep routines steady.
Words by
Karen Chapman
Below is a practical, age-by-age guide for having the conversation and supporting your children afterwards, grounded in what studies and leading paediatric and mental-health bodies recommend.
Before you talk: set yourselves up to succeed
Plan it together (if it’s safe to do so). Aim to tell the children together with a shared, calm message that avoids blame. Kids do best when parents present a united front and spare them adult conflict.
Pick the right moment and place. Choose a quiet time (not before school or bedtime) and a comfortable setting. Have enough time for questions now and later.
Agree the basics first. Be ready to answer “what changes for me?” (where they’ll live, school, contact with each parent) even if all details aren’t final. Predictability supports adjustment.
Keep adult reasons just for adults. Children don’t need the intimate causes; they need clarity, love, and a plan. Clinical guidance consistently warns against sharing blame or legal details.
What every child needs to hear
“This is not your fault.” Say this explicitly and repeat it. Young children, especially, may assume responsibility without being told otherwise.
“We both love you, and that won’t change.” Reassurance about ongoing love and involvement from both parents protects well-being.
“Here’s what stays the same, and here’s what’s changing.” Routines (mealtimes, homework, clubs) provide stability. State concrete next steps.
“You can ask us anything—now or later.” Leave the door open for ongoing conversations as feelings evolve.
Age-by-age guidance
Under 5s (toddlers & preschool)
How to tell them:
Use simple, concrete words: “Mum and Dad will live in different homes.” Avoid blame or adult detail.
Anchor to routines: “You’ll still go to nursery. Dad will pick you up on Tuesdays.”
What helps afterwards:
Consistency and repetition. Little ones need repeated reassurance that they didn’t cause the separation.
Extra nurturing and predictable transitions between homes reduce anxiety and behaviour spikes common at this age.
6–10 (primary/elementary)
How to tell them:
Offer a bit more explanation without details. Emphasise teamwork: “We decided together.” Invite feelings language: “It’s okay to feel sad, angry or worried.”
What helps afterwards:
Keep school informed (with your child’s consent) to watch for concentration or friendship dips.
Shield them from parental conflict and never ask them to carry messages. This is a key protective factor.
11–13 (tweens)
How to tell them:
Expect tough questions and request for reasons.
Give honest, brief explanations; don’t critique the other parent.
Explain logistics clearly (parenting schedule, holidays, phone/video contact).
What helps afterwards:
Maintain rules and expectations (bedtimes, homework) across homes; consistency predicts better outcomes.
14–18 (teens)
How to tell them:
Treat them as partners in planning—ask what would help them feel stable (while keeping adult decisions with adults).
Offer privacy and space, plus opportunities to talk one-to-one with each parent.
What helps afterwards:
Keep high expectations and warmth. Teens benefit when parents stay emotionally available while respecting independence.
Young adults (18+)
Share the news directly; don’t rely on siblings or social media. Expect loyalty conflicts and offer time to process changes to “home base.” Many principles above still apply.
What the research says about “what works”
Most children adapt well over time. Large reviews show divorce is a stressor, but lasting serious problems are not inevitable; outcomes improve when parents reduce conflict, provide warm, consistent parenting, and keep children out of disputes.
Parent conflict is the key risk — more than the separation itself. Children fare better when they are not exposed to arguments and are not used as go-betweens. UK guidance strongly discourages using children as messengers.
Evidence-based parenting support helps. Randomised trials of the New Beginnings Program for divorced families report long-term benefits (reduced mental-health problems into adulthood) by strengthening parenting quality and parent–child relationship.
Clear, age-appropriate, blame-free explanations reduce distress. Paediatric and child-mental-health organisations emphasise reassurance, routine, and avoiding adult details or criticism of the other parent.
Stable, predictable contact supports well-being. Planning logistics early and maintaining involvement from both parents (where safe) supports adjustment.
Sample scripts you can adapt
Young child (4–7):
“Mummy and Daddy have decided to live in two homes. You did nothing to cause this. We both love you and will always take care of you. You’ll still go to the same school. On school nights you’ll be with Mummy, and on weekends you’ll spend time with Daddy. You can ask us anything, anytime.”
Older child/teen:
“We’ve decided to separate. We tried to solve our adult problems, but we couldn’t. We won’t be talking about private details because that wouldn’t be fair to you. What matters is that we both love you, we’ll keep supporting your activities and school, and here’s how the schedule will work. Tell us what’s hardest about this and how we can make it easier.”
Common mistakes to avoid
Blaming or recruiting your child to your “side.” This increases distress and loyalty conflicts.
Using children as messengers or spies. Communicate directly parent-to-parent.
Sharing adult details (affairs, finances, legal arguments). Keep explanations brief and age appropriate.
Announcing without a plan. Even a temporary plan (where they’ll sleep this week, who’s doing pick-ups) helps.
When to seek extra support
Red flags: persistent sleep or appetite changes, school refusal, prolonged low mood, aggression, substance use, or talk of self-harm. Consult your GP/paediatrician or a child mental-health professional.
Structured programmes: Evidence-based parenting interventions for divorced families (e.g. Parenting After Parting) have demonstrated benefits; ask your mediator or local services about similar offerings in your area.
How mediation can help Family mediation gives you a child-focused forum to agree a shared message, align routines and rules across homes, and build a communication plan so children never carry adult messages. Mediators can also help you create a Parenting Plan that turns intentions into predictable schedules—exactly the stability research shows children need.
Key sources Reviews on children’s adjustment to divorce and the importance of parenting quality and lower conflict. Wiley Online Library
Practical paediatric guidance on talking to children and supporting them by age. HealthyChildren.org
Evidence from randomised trials of post-divorce parenting programmes. PMC
UK guidance on keeping children out of the middle and improving co-parent communication. Cafcass
Perspective that most children cope successfully with the stress of divorce. abct.org
