Top Tips for a Constructive Family Mediation Meeting

Family mediation can be a transformative process, helping you and your ex-partner reach agreements that work for everyone involved—especially your children. However, mediation isn't something you just "turn up to." Like any important discussion, it benefits from preparation, the right mindset, and a willingness to engage constructively.

In this article, we'll share practical tips to help you get the most out of your mediation meetings, whether you're attending your first session or working towards a final agreement.

1. Come Prepared with Key Information

One of the most important things you can do to make mediation productive is to come prepared. This doesn't mean you need to have all the answers or solutions ready, but you should have relevant information and documents to hand.

For financial mediation, this might include:

• Details of income (payslips, tax returns, etc.)

• Information about savings, investments, and pensions

• Property valuations or mortgage statements

• Details of debts and liabilities

• Any other financial information that's relevant to your discussions

For child arrangement mediation, consider:

• Your children's current routine and schedules

• School and extracurricular activity details

• Any specific needs or considerations for your children

• Proposed arrangements you'd like to discuss

• Information about childcare or support networks

Having this information ready means you can have more informed and productive discussions. It also shows the other party (and the mediator) that you're taking the process seriously.

Top tip: If you're not sure what to bring, ask your mediator beforehand. They can give you a checklist of useful documents or information.

2. Think About What Matters Most to You

Before the meeting, take some time to reflect on what's most important to you. What are your priorities? What do you hope to achieve? And where might you be willing to compromise?

Mediation isn't about "winning" or getting everything your way—it's about finding solutions that work for everyone. By clarifying your priorities in advance, you'll be better equipped to focus on what really matters during discussions.

For example:

• If you're discussing finances, is keeping the family home your top priority, or would you prefer a larger share of liquid assets?

• If you're discussing child arrangements, what matters most—where the children live, how time is divided, or maintaining certain routines?

Understanding your own priorities also helps you recognise where you have flexibility, which is essential for reaching agreements.

Top tip: Write down your top three priorities before the meeting. This can help you stay focused when discussions become emotional or complex.

3. Be Ready to Listen

Mediation is a two-way process. While it's important to express your own views and concerns, it's equally important to listen to the other party. This can be challenging, especially if emotions are running high, but active listening is one of the most valuable skills you can bring to mediation.

When the other party is speaking:

• Try to listen without interrupting or planning your response

• Focus on understanding their perspective, even if you don't agree

• Ask clarifying questions if something isn't clear

• Acknowledge their concerns, even if you have a different view

The mediator will help manage the conversation and ensure both parties have a chance to speak, but your willingness to listen can make a huge difference to how constructive the discussion feels.

Top tip: If you find it hard to listen without reacting, try taking notes. This can help you stay focused on what's being said rather than how you feel about it in the moment.

4. Stay Focused on the Future, Not the Past

One of the biggest challenges in family mediation is letting go of past grievances. It's natural to feel hurt, angry, or resentful about what's happened, but dwelling on the past can prevent you from moving forward.

Mediation is about finding solutions for the future, not rehashing old arguments or assigning blame. While it's okay to acknowledge difficult feelings, try to keep the focus on:

• What arrangements will work going forward

• How you can co-parent or divide assets fairly

• What's in the best interests of your children

• Practical solutions that everyone can live with

The mediator will help steer conversations away from blame and towards constructive problem-solving, but your mindset matters too.

Top tip: If you feel yourself getting drawn into past conflicts, pause and ask yourself, "How does this help us reach an agreement?"

5. Manage Your Emotions

Mediation can be emotionally challenging. You're discussing sensitive topics with someone you may have difficult feelings towards, and it's completely normal to feel upset, frustrated, or overwhelmed at times.

However, letting emotions take over can make it harder to think clearly and reach agreements. Here are some strategies for managing emotions during mediation:

• Take breaks: If you're feeling overwhelmed, it's okay to ask for a break. Step outside, take a few deep breaths, and give yourself time to regroup.

• Stay grounded: Focus on your breathing, keep your feet flat on the floor, and remind yourself why you're there.

• Acknowledge your feelings without acting on them: It's okay to feel angry or upset, but try not to let those feelings dictate your responses.

• Use "I" statements: Instead of saying, "You always…" or "You never…", try framing things as, "I feel…" or "I'm concerned about…". This can help reduce defensiveness.

The mediator is trained to handle emotional situations and will support you if things become difficult.

Top tip: If you know certain topics are likely to trigger strong emotions, let your mediator know in advance. They can help structure the discussion in a way that feels more manageable.

6. Be Open to Creative Solutions

One of the benefits of mediation is that it allows for more flexibility and creativity than court proceedings. You're not limited to standard legal solutions—you can explore options that are tailored to your family's unique circumstances.

For example:

• Instead of a rigid 50/50 custody split, you might agree on a schedule that fits around your children's activities and your work commitments.

• Instead of selling the family home immediately, you might agree that one party stays there for a set period (e.g., until the children finish school).

• Instead of equal division of all assets, you might agree to trade certain assets for others (e.g., one party keeps the house while the other takes a larger share of savings).

Being open to creative solutions can help you find arrangements that work better for everyone involved.

Top tip: Don't dismiss ideas too quickly. Even if something doesn't feel right initially, explore why the other party is suggesting it—there might be a compromise that meets both your needs.

7. Ask Questions if You're Unsure

Mediation involves discussions about complex issues, and it's completely normal to feel uncertain or confused at times. If something isn't clear—whether it's a legal point, a financial detail, or a proposed arrangement—ask for clarification.

Your mediator is there to help you understand the process and the issues being discussed. They can explain things in plain language, provide information about the legal framework, or suggest where you might want to seek independent advice.

Don't be afraid to say:

• "Can you explain that in simpler terms?"

• "I'm not sure I understand this—can we go over it again?"

• "What are my options here?"

Understanding what's being discussed is essential for making informed decisions.

Top tip: If you're discussing financial matters and feel out of your depth, consider speaking to a financial advisor or solicitor outside of mediation. They can help you understand your position and options.

8. Keep the Focus on What's Best for the Children

If you're mediating child arrangements, it's crucial to keep the focus on what's best for your children, not what's most convenient or satisfying for you personally.

Children thrive on stability, consistency, and positive relationships with both parents. When making decisions, consider:

• What arrangements will provide the most stability and routine for your children?

• How can you maintain their relationships with both parents, extended family, and friends?

• What are your children's needs at different ages and stages?

• How can you minimise disruption and conflict in their lives?

The mediator will help you keep the discussion child-focused, but your willingness to prioritise your children's wellbeing is what makes the difference.

Top tip: If you're finding it hard to stay objective, imagine your children as adults looking back on this time. What decisions would they want you to have made?

9. Be Honest and Transparent

Mediation relies on trust and good faith. If you're not honest about your financial situation, your availability for childcare, or your concerns, it's difficult to reach fair and workable agreements.

Being transparent doesn't mean oversharing or being vulnerable in ways that feel uncomfortable—it means providing accurate information and being upfront about what you can and can't commit to.

For example:

• If you genuinely can't afford a certain level of maintenance, say so (and be prepared to provide evidence).

• If you're concerned about the other party's ability to care for the children in certain situations, raise it constructively.

• If a proposed arrangement won't work for practical reasons, explain why.

Dishonesty or evasiveness can derail mediation and damage trust, making it harder to reach agreements.

Top tip: If there's something you're reluctant to share, think about whether withholding it will help or hinder reaching a fair agreement. Often, honesty is the quickest route to a solution.

10. Remember That Compromise Doesn't Mean Losing

Mediation is about finding middle ground. Both parties will likely need to compromise in some areas to reach an overall agreement that works.

Compromise doesn't mean giving up on what's important to you—it means being flexible on the things that matter less so you can prioritise what matters most. It's about finding solutions that both parties can live with, even if they're not perfect.

If you go into mediation expecting to get everything you want, you're likely to be disappointed. But if you approach it with a willingness to be flexible, listen, and find common ground, you're far more likely to reach an agreement that feels fair.

Top tip: Before rejecting a proposal, ask yourself, "Is this really a dealbreaker, or is it something I could live with for the sake of reaching an agreement?"

11. Take Care of Yourself

Mediation can be emotionally and mentally draining. Make sure you're looking after yourself throughout the process:

• Get enough sleep, eat well, and exercise

• Talk to friends, family, or a counsellor if you need support

• Give yourself time to process emotions after sessions

• Don't feel guilty for taking breaks or slowing down if you need to

Your wellbeing matters, and taking care of yourself will help you stay focused and resilient during mediation.

Top tip: Schedule something positive after mediation sessions—whether it's a walk, a coffee with a friend, or time doing something you enjoy. It can help you decompress and regain perspective.

12. Trust the Process (and the Mediator)

Finally, trust the process. Mediation is designed to help you reach agreements, and your mediator is trained to facilitate constructive discussions, manage conflict, and keep things on track.

It's normal for mediation to feel slow or frustrating at times. You might have sessions where it feels like you're not making progress, or where emotions run high. That's okay. The mediator will help you work through these challenges and keep moving forward.

Remember, mediation is a process, not a single event. It takes time to work through complex issues, and that's completely normal.

Top tip: If you're feeling frustrated, talk to your mediator. They can help you understand where you are in the process and what the next steps are.

Final Thoughts

Family mediation is an opportunity to take control of your situation and reach agreements that work for your family, rather than having decisions imposed by a court. By coming prepared, staying focused on the future, managing your emotions, and being willing to compromise, you can make the most of the process and work towards a resolution that everyone can live with.

It's not always easy, but with the right mindset and approach, mediation can be a constructive and empowering experience. If you have questions or concerns about mediation, don't hesitate to speak to your mediator—they're there to support you every step of the way.